Some folks devote their lives to obtaining physical perfection, to be at the best at a chosen sport.
Some folks however, die while jogging.
Some folks just kick back on the sofa and get caned...
Feast your eyes upon the latest well-toned corpses!



Tim Henman

Tim Henman, Britain's Great White Hope must be down for a shallow grave.

As Wimbledon approaches, it is time once again for the media to talk up Tim Henman's chances of winning the tournament, "it's Tim's year" they'll say.
The question I pose is; Why bother? What is the point? OK, it's not Henman's fault that the papers pretend they believe that he won't crash out like a burning Zeppelin in the first round, but it still gets right up my nose that he plays along with the hype.
Any day now we'll start seeing Henman casually chatting to the cameras saying how good he feels, how his game is just
coming together, how he hopes the fans get behind him. The only time I'd get behind that upper-class wanna-be bad boy would be on Beachy Head when I'd shove him off the edge to a sickening death.

What is wrong with everybody?
We all know that Henman's shit and that Samprass will cruise to his 357th Wimbledon title but still there will be a
wave of expactancy rippling around Centre Court when Tim-nice-but-shit steps out to be heroically annihilated in a five set thriller by some unknown Tibetan in the first round, going down 17-15, 22-25, 11-9, 306-308, 1, 435, 989-1, 435, 988.

He always makes defeat look so agonising, taking so fucking long to lie down and die - he's like a cockroach - his opponents stamp all over him yet he still manages to force the odd double fault at the crucial moments to keep the game alive.
And this, m'lud is the crucial, damning factor in my case against the twat - he, along with his media buddies, inspire the possiblity of hope in all who witness the saga of another dismal British showing at the greatest Tennis event in the world. How dare they force us to feel the prickle of expectancy, despite all our instincts screaming that it's game over as soon as he fires his first 100 mile an hour serve so hard in to the net.
And he's a boring, nobody with a plain-Jane girlfriend too.

Tim, you fucking loser, what the fuck is wrong with you?
When a little gimp like this is the best tennis player in the country, and you’re getting beaten by nations like Ecuador, you know something’s seriously wrong. Now, along with approximately 99.5% of the people in this country, I think tennis is shit, a game for people too wet to play football, but it still makes me mad to see how shit we are at it. And Henman is just the best of a bad bunch, he’s still fucking useless. Little middle class wanker, I’d just love to get into a fight with him, I’d do him some serious damage. I just hate his guts, I can’t even explain rationally why. He’s just a cunt, end of story, and he’s easily earned himself a shallow grave.

Voted for by Brasshande

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Greg Rusedski

Please see my case against that twat Henman.
I feel I should add, however, that Greg is a lantern jawed no-brain who when asked about how he feels, how his game was, what he likes to watch on TV is only capable of replying "it felt real good out there today".
But Greg, you lost 6-0, 6-0, 6-0, "yeah - but it felt real good out there today".
Shut up Greg and get back to Canada - at least then we won't have to share your burden of yet another miserable defeat in the first round (OK, you made it through the first round this year, and it looks like the corrupt officials of Wimbledon have made it as easy as they possibly can for you to make it to the semi's by lining up a bunch of stooges for you to ace your way past but if you make it that far I'll be the most surprised man in England this year - not including Robin Cook the day after the election).

Anyway, Greg - you're the most boring man on the tennis circuit and though that is no mean feat considering the dullards you're up against, it is no defense.
The only reason you are in the game is because of your 2 million mile-an-hour serve which also makes you the most boring man on the tennis circuit to watch.
For chrissakes - you're number 2 to that TWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT Henman!
What does that say man?
Ask yourself that, the next time you look in the mirror Mr Hangdog.
Get lost Greg.
By the way, your girlfriend looks like that rough as fuck, cheap, pissed-blowjob-in-the-alley-behind-the-nightclubclub slapper off Eastenders.

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Lothar Mattheus

Where can one start?
Herr Mattheus was admittedly one of the best footballers of the late '80s/early '90s and won a lot of things with Bayern and Germany.
This does not however give you licence to act like a COMPLETE CUNT now does it Lothar?
An absolutely pathetic excuse for a human being, his being German merely compounds the agony.
Even accounting for the huge number of preening, arrogant sore-losers that Krautland has produced (Klinsmann, Voller, Effenberg), he really takes the biscuit.

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'Male' Female Tennis Players

Male Female tennis players need to go to the grave.
I'm talking about those filthy Williams sisters here and the unholy, lumbering, nightmare that is The Davenport.
Not to mention perversions like Novotna, Seles and the lovely Virginia Wade.
What's going on with all them then??? How the fuck did those drag queens ever fool tennis officials in to letting them loose on the women's circuit?

Just look at those Williams girls, man. I've rarely seen a better example of fit, prime, rippling maleness.
They make me shudder man.
It's very not right.
Those girls should not be allowed to walk around freely in society, let alone allowed out on to a tennis court. They are plainly the result of a genetic engineering programme, some dark genius's brainchild. Designed and manafactured with bar codes on the back of their necks, those Williams robots can surely not be human.
And if they are then you gotta pity them - look what their pushing, competitive, money-grabbing, fanatic of a father
has made them in to: machines, incapable of thinking or doing anything but playing tennis, unable to find satisfaction or enjoyment out of anything but the act of serving a tennis ball down the throat of some broad who you may guarantee is 10 times the woman that they are.

Wade is a smirking carpet-biter and Novotna is Drago's ("I must break you") lost brother.

Let's move on to the thing that should not be - Davenportly.
What the hell is THAT? She is DEFINATELY not right, man.
For Chrissakes she's 8ft tall.
And she must weigh at least 30 stone.
She is even scarier than the Williams plc. The way she lumbers around the court occassionally bellowing like a mating rhino is compelling in the horrible way that a car crash fascinates. She reminds me of that fairy from Willow the Whisp, Mavis I think.
She is utter filth and a blot on the lanscape of woman.
Her fat, hamster like face and sunken piggy eyes merely compound my loathing for her yet still my finger hesitates to change the channel and then instantly, I am made to regret my indecision - Davenport is stooping to reach a drop-shot and for one agonising second, her fat, flabbing, rear end protrudes.
It's too much. I have to go and lie down - maybe take a shower and try and wash the
dirtiness I now feel from my sweating skin. I feel violated.
She is an abomination.

Yeah, so male female tennis players.
To the grave with you. The method of despatch I have devised is this:
You will all be placed in a vast gladiatorial arena, a few clubs and rocks tossed in with you and then it is a fight to the death.
My money's on Lindsy 'The Beast' Davenport - she'd snap Wade in two and crush Novotna with a bearhug.
She'd then pin Serena to the floor and bash her brains out with a bolder, uttering blood curdling screams to the pagan gods as Venus clings to her back bashing a club against the thrashing beast beneath her. Anyway, if anyone survived I'd send in the starving lions to finish them off.
Actually, Davenport would probably rip the lions to pieces with her bear hands.
Maybe I'd just have to nuke the whole arena.

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Ice Hockey Referees

What is wrong with these fuckwits?
If ever Joey Deacon has been re-incarnated, surely it must have been as an Ice Hockey referee.
Two of the biggest cunts in the history of sport must be Mohammed Ashraf and Gary Plaistow.
If you look up the words CORRUPT, and BIASED then you'll see a picture of these two.
Swindon Phoenix fans know what I'm talking about!!!.
If Ashraf could referee as well as he could grow a big nose, he would be the best ref in the biz!!!

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The England Football Team

The England football team fucking stinks, they make me fucking sick.
All this fucking euphoria in our american-dominated press about them beating Liechtenstein, or more recently a total turkey of a German team.
Well fuck you, England team, youll never fucking win anything ever, you fucking overpaid little hairless, golf obsessed twats.
To be honest, maybe it would be good if they did win something, so there'll less mention of 1966.
Every fucking match they play, they wheel out these old codgers going on a bout Geoff fucking hurst, blah blah.
This 1966 shit is never gonna stop.
In the year 4553, the press will still go on about 1966 whilst England have won fuck all in the mean time.
The fact that that arsehole Beckham is their captain just adds insult to injury.
England team! just stick to your binge-drinking and golf and fuck off!
Winning the world cup? hahahahahahaha!
Well I suppose you can always remember 1966. Fuck you!

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Damon Hill

Damon Hill, what a wanker he was, the arsehole only got a drive in F1 because of his name, the no talent little shite. - and the "sun readers" liked him "because he was british".. well big deal, he was SHITE..
The bastard deserved to be in a minardi at best.. He only won in 1996 by default.. the Mclarens & Ferraris were useless, his teammate was an f1 rookie..

WANKER!!!!
He's a stupid bitch and is more famous for slagging off Michael Schumacher than anything else.
He's a bloody sore loser.
Well done to Frank Wiliams for sacking you. I'm glad he saw that you were not worth the £5 million price tag that you were asking for!

Piss off back to the gutter you fucking slag. There's nothing worse than a 'cruise & collect' driver.

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He's a rapist - nuff said

Mike Tyson

Rapists deserve to die, slowly, over many years, while suffering excruciating pain.
Someone shoot this fucking piece of shit.
Now.

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Shit - the miserable scrote is actually smiling!

Sir Alex Ferguson

Alex Ferguson, the dour, sour faced scot in charge of Cuntchester United is,in my opinion, the world's worst loser. Man, that boy is such a bad loser, I can't even believe it. The fuck NEVER gives his opponents any credit, he NEVER accepts defeat graciously, he's always fuckin' moaning about refs, fouls, penalties that weren't given, the pitch, even the fucking weather.
Anything but admit that a team played better than his motley crew of gravy-trainers. He's a moody fuck and he doesn't even give interviews when his team get fucked up.

What sort of a man is that?
Let me tell you, it's a man who is less than a piece of shit on my shoe. My only consolation as I watch his red face dismiss another team who nearly put United to the sword, is that soon, very soon, I will have the divine pleasure of watching the
Reds come crashing from the pinnacle of the Premier League when he retires.
Please God, send them to the first division.

As for the manner of his death - exile the bastard to some remote Scottish Island and let him slowly rot in obscurity, his only companion a TV tuned to SKY Sports where he can watch his beloved United take a beating from the
likes of Preston and Stoke City.

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Anna "Boris Yeltzin" Kournikovair

For a second, I felt almost guilty about slating Boris... sorry, I mean Anna (easy mistake to make). Then I got over it.

Yes, she's very pretty indeed, despite her strong resemblance to Boris.
But what exactly is she famous for? Being ranked at tennis as something like 87th in the world?
Nope - more like being 87th most wanked over in the world.
She's famous for having a pretty face, and an ample arse.
Well, isn't that an achievement. I'll get the Nobel Peace Price ready for her now, shall I?

She can't handle anyone else being seen as attractive, it seems. It's really clever, Anna, to tell the world at large that Liz Hurley is "so ugly".
The best part was when Liz turned around and said that she thought Anna was lovely.
Sorts out the jealous little wannabe bitchtrolls from the grown adults, with common sense, style, and a little intelligence, doesn't it?
Since when, Anna, did Liz Hurley being good looking make YOU any less attractive?
Grow up, shut up, fuck off, and come back when you're something other than a pathetic little girl with an insecurity complex.
That day will undoubtedly come long before the day you learn to play a decent game of tennis.

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Gazza

When my sister was little, she used to tell the following "joke":

Q: What is the difference between Gazza and the ball?

A: There isn't any! Ha ha ha....

At which point, the rest of us would stare while she dissolved into maniacal laughter, before giving up and realised that she was speaking the absolute truth. Gazza was fast becoming fatter that Dane Bowers - now that's BIG man - and the aforementioned ball doubtlessly has better conversational skills and a higher level of intelligence than either of the porky fuckwits.

Gazza. Fat, stupid, minging laughing stock.
Once a great player, now a piece of rancid lard, probably riddled with the dreaded smallpox. I got heartily sick of hearing how Gazza just wanted to be liked. Tip, shitface: beating up yer lady is not the way to endear yourself to anyone, apart from the sort of freaks that appreciate Britney Spears' dodgy kiddie porn style videos.
I'm sure that when Gazza isn't getting pissed and battering women, he's very nice, but that doesn't mean that any sane human should touch this piece of rotten blubber with an 30-foot bargepole.
Fat fuck.

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Mark Lawrenson
How many times must I endure this moggy faced prick on tv?
I stupidly pay for my licence and haven't learnt that I'm encouraging the BBC to keep paying his wages.

Even though they have lost most of the great sporting events to Sky or ITV, they still feel the need to invest in this wanker.

Check out the way he sits on the football focus seat!!! His arse is always pointed to the camera and he can't stop mincing and bitching with Stubbs.

Please hear this Mark!!!
I will happily donate some flowers to your funeral, if you just wear a Chelsea top in the Millwall end at the start of next season.
I hate football violence, but it could actually start being quite productive in the right circumstance!!

Early Grave my son!!

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Manchester United Fans
Why no-one else has nominated them is quite beyond me.
These glory hunters are found everywhere (except for Manchester) across Britain and even in other continents.
They support a team from a city which most of these fuckwits have never been to and probably couldn't even find on a map.
They're all sheep who follow everyone else who has no other glory in their lives.
What pisses me off is the fact that they all appear to have identical excuses for following them, such as claiming that they have supported them since they were tiny (normally coinciding with the time when they won their first double) or some pathetic reason such as their dad's old neighbour's cat was from Manchester.
None of them can actually admit that they are just following everyone else.
OK, I support Arsenal but then again I'm actually from London, which is where a lot of these morons live.
Other prime spots for include the Westcountry, Ireland,Japan (they probably think that United are from London!) and anywhere else without a successful football team.
The only way to deal with these brainless wankers is to send them to Manchester (and to those glory supporters reading this, Manchester is where your team plays) and see them bludgeoned to death by City fans.
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Ian Botham
I used to like Ian Botham when he was a player, but since he's become a commentator, I've come to realise what an arrogant cunt he really is. His self-righteous opinions really annoy me, and most of the time I find myself just wanting to punch him in the face.
He is basically a bastard, and like the Daily Mail come to life, and, I suspect, no stranger to the joys of manlove.
Plus, his hairstyle during his playing days (that semi-mullet he used to have) was one of the most ridiculous in history. This utter twat should take his head out of his own arse so that I can smash it in with a hammer (even if a cricket bat would be more appropriate and ironic).
Dickhead, author of the worst sporting autobiography I've ever read.
Deeply offensive about the sub-continent but doesn't like it when some Aussies take the piss out of the queen.
Fucks about in the West Indies and, on arriving back at Heathrow, blames the Labour Party for the fuss.
Obsessed with how mentally tough he is but was shit against decent opposition.
Thinks competitive sport should be compulsory in schools because it prepares you for the tough world outside- probably because it's the only thing he's ever done adequately.
Playing for England meant so little to this self-proclaimed patriot that he missed test matches to appear in pantomimes.
Really thought that he was going to be a film-star.

Right-wing bore. Fuckhead.
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Michael Owen
Whenever I watch the Premiership and Hooferpool are playing, the arseholes on ITV always seem to insist interviewing this boring tosser.

He is so monotonous and never has anything interesting to say. He says the same old lines and cliches, much in the same manner as Alan Shearer does. He's dived so many times but when it's for England, it's OK for him to do it. 5 minutes, a baseball bat and this arsehole's company is all I ask for.
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