Canada

Newark Town Council

The British Police

For a start they think they deserve respect for sitting around drinking coffee and nicking speeding motorists while junkies are out mugging grannies and burgling houses.
They give nutters like Thomas Hamilton gun licenses purely cos he's "in the lodge" not caring he was a paedo who eventually decided to go on a shooting spree in a school.

No wonder they can manage all the funny handshakes cos they are constantly wanking over their lovely day of doin fuck all to prevent crime.
The only time you ever see the cunts on the beat is if it's the 14th of the month and they are checking car tax disks aren't out of date.

The fact they spend months on "important crimes" such as Jill Dando getting shot, but do fuck all about break ins, robberies, thieving, vandalism or anything which actually affects the people of this country every day.

I recently wrote a legitimate letter of complaint to the cops, after a friend died (They had kept his death secret). Their response - a warrant for unpaid fines. Fucking Genius!

Get in that hole!

The Cuntryside Alliance

Scotland

I fucking hate the Scotch (who hate being called Scotch).

They stand in pubs in England spouting off how much they hate the English and how they can drink us Sassonachs under the table.
Fine, now fuck off back to Scotland you cirrhotic bunch of Alex Ferguson look alike transvestites.
Bastards.

Alex Ferguson
Carol Smillie
Lulu
The Crankies
Stephen Hendry
The Bay City Rollers
Chris Evans (Honorary)

All the above have something in common, it's not just that they're Scottish, no, they're all Fucking Shite, piss poor fuckers who deserve to have their faces eaten by worms, whilst they are still alive.

The Scottish also invented ginger hair.
Die Chris Evans you... (hideously libelous stuff about Evans and Billy Piper removed here - SpleeN! Ed.)

Devolution!!
Take your Country, your porridge, your shite fuckin dead poet and your bastard thistle and stick them up your hairy ginger and freckled arses.
You're welcome to your country.
See how far you get when the hard working English tax payer stops subsidizing your Alcohol and Heroin addictions.

PS: That haggis looks like something my dogs shit out. Further proof that you are a bunch of animals

Boy Racers

The larval stage of the White Van driver.

There must be something genetically programmed into these fuckwits that says they must get a car as soon as it is legally possible.
They can afford it as well as these uneducated wankers still live at home with their mums and don't pay rent or bills like the rest of us so all their Dixons salaries can be spent on their chromed up dream machines.
Once the car is bought they then drive it around just for the sake of it wioth all the windows down and some mindless repetitive 'dance' track belting out at 100 decibels.
No wonder the fuckers are deaf.
Not content with deafening themselves they have to drive around residential areas speeding up between the road humps that have been put their out of our Council Tax just to slow the bastards down or hopefully make them bugger off somewhere else.
They don't seem to realise that traffic calming is entirely down to their selfishness but then their mummies probably pay their council tax anyway until they get married and finally fly the nest.

Cover their shell suits in paraffin and shove their baseball caps up their arses then throw a bloody match at them.
Why do they need a car that does 100mph when the speed limit is 70?
You never see them on motorways anyway as their entire social circle are their bloody schoolchums anyway so why would they leave their home town?
Turn the Isle of Wight into a big race track with speed humps every 15 yards and dump the bastards there for good.
You could have drive in McDonalds every few miles so they could eat their crap junk food that they are so fond of and free access to Ecstasy.
After a few months they would have died from malnutrition, an overdose or just killed each other for 'not having the ton up' or driving more than six inches away from the bumper of the car in front which are capital crimes to them.
Arseholes.

Women with mouths that look like cats arses

Alice Beer and Geri Halliwell are two that spring to mind.

Alice Beer has got a decent set of top bollocks, however her mouth does resemble a puckered up cats anus about to drop its motherload.
I'm not a great studier of cats arses, you just can't help but notice, the way they stick their clagnut ridden asses up when they want something, anyway fo this reason Alice Beer would not be allowed to have a go on my weight gaining rod.

Geri "the tapeworm has taken effect" Halliwell. admittedly doesn't look too bad with the recent weight loss (perhaps Anorexia Chic will be this years black).
However, when she was ginger spice, her lips were well covered in ounces of makeup.
This new minimalistic look unmasks the true Leone Like Labia of this 30 something has been - never was.
Her mouth is how I would percieve a pile ridded, on heat, well tommed alleycat's arse to look after it's just been shafted by a syphilitic bunch of Toms.
Go on Halliwell, fuck off and die, you ugly scrawny bastard

Dole Office
Investigation Stasi

A few years ago while working in a night club and Argos for fuck sake in Leicester while taking back a tiny part of what I had needlessly put in for many years.
One of these Gestapo devil worshippers had the temerity to call me into an anonymous room somewhere in Leics.
Was I blindfolded for the journey in there? I can't remember but anyway, the kiddy fiddling transvestite grilled me like it was his money I'd been taking and came up with absolutely fuck all - but only because a freindly face had "lost" all the documents in the enquiry hahahahahahaha.
So here a handy hint..most of the time they can't prove fuck all unless you actually confess so DON'T.

God

To be reduced to a state of semi-sentient grief for the loss of his eternal grace by being made to live in any number of African states or as a woman in Afganistan.
Cruelty is not refining, even if you did make the Universe in 6 days.
Nothing justifies living hand to mouth in constant pain and drudgery then having Geri Halicunt come and patronise you about her empathy for your suffering.
Once reduced, make him live in terror for the rest of eternity by dying every death inflicted by being chased down and eaten, shot, stabbed, gassed etc. etc.

Shallow grave? No. Infinite suffering.
After all, that's going to be my supposed lot when I go kicking and screaming into the end.

The two twats off the Nivea face cream advert

What a pair of utter, total, complete wankers.
As the advert itself says "who writes this stuff".
That stinking ad has actually ensured I will never, ever buy Nivea cream nor any Nivea product.
I can't think of a more shit advertising idea and those two "average Joes" sitting on the couch discussing the pseudo TV ad for the product are the most perfect example of idiocy you will find.
"I think I might buy some" the ginger one says. "I think I might headbutt you to death" is my reposite.
Fuck them.

Internet Cafe Employees

Look just because you have been on a half day course in computers it does not mean you can treat people like morons (unless they are Americans).
The next step up for you is serving Happy Meals you school dropouts.
The only qualifications for the job are to know how to turn the power on and to have your personality removed.
You are so untalented that even your spotty girlfriend is shagging behind your back.
I hope your bedsit is small and that your Iron Maiden cds are warped

Jugglers

I nominate anybody that feels the need to juggle.
What is the fucking point? They start by tossing small bean bags into the air and gradually build up their confidence until they can juggle 20 oscillating chain saws.

I wish just one of those saws would hit a pocket of air and come crashing down on the jugglers neck!
Of course, nobody can become a fully fledged juggler, unless he/she wears brightly coloured trousers and their
best mate is a dog on a rope.

The main culprits must be those that own shops stocking this shit, without them, the jugglers would have to resort to using
various sizes of fruit, which after a few weeks would turn rancid therefore rendering them useless for juggling with!
Get a life.
Spend your hours chanting "ohm" whilst meditating with your dog, instead of boring us all rigid with your mindless fucking juggling!

Carl Scaife and Declan Swan - Blames Direct

The youngest entrant into the vale of the shadow of death so far.
First we had the impossibly inept and speccy Declan who obviously, looking at him, got punched off the swing
he supposedly fell off and whose mother didn't want it to happen to anyone else.

Then we had that good for nothing scrounging sad twat Carl Scaife who, believe it or fucking not,
had an accident
"I cant play football" he whines.
Playing football? I'd wager the soft cunt has never lifted anything more than his flaccid cock , never mind a free fucking kick.

But has anyone noticed the similarity between Scaifes wife and Swans mother who are I believe
one and the same.

London Bus Drivers

Why are they so fucking rude?
My mate left his bag on a nightbus the other week and he had to plead with another driver just to get a fucking lost
property number out of the fuck.
The guy barely acknowledged my mates existance, let alone show a flicker of humility towards his situation.
Now, granted, London bus drivers put up with some shit - I know they've all had guns pointed on them and that but for fucks sake, the majority of paying passangers just want to get on the bus and get off as quickly as possible,
preferrably taking as few breaths of the rancid, putrid, stale bus odour as possible.
So why can't London bus drivers just think about their passangers
for once in a while?
After all, without them, they'd be back on the first sloop to Turkey.

I just get upset by the total lack of empathy that most of these guys display. They drive about like utter maniacs and have no respect for
a: other drivers,
b: their passangers,
c: pedestrians,
d: other bus drivers,
e: err...

Anyway, that makes them sound like some sort of band of urban cowboys but their not that, man. Not at all, Paul. They are invariably overweight, thicko, Sport reading, leecherous greasballs and they all look like rapists.

Oh, and they smell of shit, too.

Crosswords

Crosswords.
What the fuck are they about then?
A bunch of obscurist, smug, self-congratulatory, elitist questions the answers to which must be arranged in a cerazeey box like grid.
And just like the Highlander, there can be only one.
Answer, that is.
And that, your honour, is fucking annoying, especially when you're confronted with such coded gems as: "a fish requires defense, but planets. Maybe." What the fuck are they on about?
And who the fuck dreams up the fuckers? Just point me at them and watch be whip out the samurai sword and start swinging.

Fucking hell, you'd have to be a World War Two enigma engineer to decipher some of the crap that crops up in crossword puzzles.
They are elitist, one sided, superiority-complex generators. And what amazes me is the wankers who
actually like the fucking things have got the front to suggest that they are in some way superior to you, just because you've got better things to do than beat yourself up over clues like :
"when does it never rain? Why crash-helmets, she said."

Listen to me all you fucks who perpetrate and encourage this disease that is infecting our society insidiously. Crosswords are worse than drugs and crime.
At least those who indulge in these misdemeanors don't parade around, looking down their noses at those who abstain. Burn at the stake those who compose and complete crossword puzzles.
Burn all crossword books and burn any publication that the fuckers appear in.

February

Febraury is the biggest fuckin' bitch of all time.
I know it might sound like a lame call, but think about it. February really is the biggest bastard motherfucker of all the months with absolutely no positive or redeeming features unless your unlucky enough to have your Birthday in Feb.
And even then your Birthday is always cold, wet and shit.
And your star sign is either the Didier Deschamps of the zodiac or a fucking fish.

Febraury.
What kind of a month is that?
It's freezing, dark, rainy, shitty and I hate the bastard. It has no fuckin' plus points, man.
The days are too short and all miserable and broody and the temperature is fucked. And on top of that, the fucker doesn't even have the decency to snow so whilst we're all freezing our asses off and getting pissed off with all that drizzle, we
don't even get to skive work and go sledging. It's not right, man.

Also, Febrauary is responsible for St Valentines Day.
A day invented, surely, by someone with a prediliction for observing the suffering and torment of others.
For, if you aint got a partner on that day of filth, it is impossible to avoid that feeling of worthlesness. Even though you may vow not to be drawn in by all that commercial shit (this is the line you take when you DO have a partner) you can't escape all the other fucks around you knocking themselves out over a couple of cheap roses their cheating husband
bought them or the Terry's All Gold that arrived via courier for them at the office (these people probably order their partner to set this up, on pain of no sex for a lifetime).
Whatever - we all know Valentines is a bitch when you're single and we all dread that trip to an empty letterbox on a freezing early morning on the 14th, knowing, as we trudge towards our front doors, that there will be fuck all there except the obligatory gas bill and a lovely letter from the TV licensing people.
And we all shudder at that feeling of being a little less than a piece of shit as we trek in to work, knowing that all those robots with stable partners/husbands/no lives etc will relentlessly flaunt the gifts that have been showered on them on this
day without mercy.

February.
Thank fuck the bastard is shorter than all the other months, is all I know. My plan is to ban the fuck. Just cut it out the calander.
Ignore it.
Or else make the whole month a holiday.
At least that way I could spend a whole month in bed and lose track of the days, enabling me to forget Valendirts Day.

Traffic Wardens

Traffic Wardens have gotta go down.

Ok, they're not as bad as the pigs, but they're like a smaller, nastier, sneakier little brother to Bill.
They sneak about like cockroaches, trying to fuck people up and they don't give a toss about fairplay or moral conduct. These motherfuckers have got no souls.

You have to ask yourself just what it is that makes a person think "yes, I really want to be a traffic warden."
I've considered this very conundrum for many years now and my considered conclusion, although tentative is, I believe, valid.
It is thus: these people are cunts.

They are motivated by the desire to hurt others and a longing to exercise power over their brothers and sisters. It's because they're so fucking weak an fragile themselves that they refuse to reason with you, even though your wife is in
labour and the car has only been there two minutes.
They are empty, mindless shells, stalking the country's roads and residential areas, only finding joy at the moment of slapping an illegible parking fine on the windscreen of a car which has it's front bumper 2mm over a double yellow.

They need exterminating, the whole pack of them.
They are callous, merciless, pinheads with black hearts and the emotions of an automaton. Just like the guards at the nazi death camps, they hide behind the system, repeatedly stressing that "I vas only obeying oders".
But secretly, they love the black uniform and cap. They love the universal hatred that is directed towards them - it's the only way they are able to feel any sort of sexual satisfaction.
They are perverted, sick-twister, loner, no-mates, the dregs and slime of humanity.