The Shallow Grave Awards

The Elderly.
You can't knock 'em can you? Well here you can!
OK - admittedly it's a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, nominating a coffin dodger for a Shallow Grave Award, but why restrict your bile to the young and healthy? Besides - the list below contains our first two triumphs!

Jimmy Saville O.B.E.

Harry Secome (RESULT!)

The Queen Mother (RESULT!)

Thora Hird (RESULT!)

Barbara Cartland (RESULT!)

Queen Elizabeth II

Prince Phillip

Fill this with the Plucky Pensioner of your choice!

I feel inspired! Let Me Vote!!!

	Sir Jimmy Saville O.B.E
Now then now then now then: isn't it about time he died?
Voted for by Circe

	Harry Secombe
Harry Secombe Is a fat, holier than thou, irritating Bible Basher. He can't sing, he couldn't act and believe it or not, even though he only appears on Religous Zealots or Coffin Dodger programmes, he is still one day (like all of us) going to die. Maybe there is a god after all? PS Wouldn't it be fabulous for him to get caught sticking his Spunk Trunk up Dame Thora's Stench Trench.
Voted for by Choleric

	The Queen Mother
The nation's favourite Grandma? Not with me she ain't. A pampered old bag who has every reason to reach 99 because she's never done a days work in her life. Also, never really suffered in the war like the East Enders as she claimed - to lose a wing of one's house is unfortunate, but never mind - there are a few more castles left, eh? Also notable as one of the women who 'helped' Princess Diana into the royal family, wanting a nice virginal woman who would be nice n clean for her darling grandson. The only bad thing about her death would be the boring music that we'd have to suffer on the box for weeks.
Voted for by Buzzer.

Don't be fooled by this evil old bag!

Thora Hird

Thankfully as yet undescribed as The Queen Mother Of British Comedy, the seemingly undead Mizz Hird combines Old Age and Obsessive Christianity in a package that is always distasteful and often downright scary.
This self-appointed saviour of the nation`s morals has colluded with the BBC to produce some of the most disturbing Sunday afternoon`s viewing since records began.
The pinnacle of her satanic campaign was surely the occasion where she quite blatantly mentally scarred over a dozen impressionable children with her jolly tales of Jesus and how they would be damned with eternal hellfire should they not follow her straight-jacketed Puritanical Path Of Righteousness.
All those watching that day will forever bear the invisible wounds caused by this bespectacled harpy and her twisted sense of right and wrong.

The malevolent Dame Thora may be seen appearing in `Last Of The Summer Wine` where her hilarious antics behind the wheel of a car encapsulate the `gentle` humour of this geriatric series. She possesses an offensive hat and any decent Spellchecker will correct `Hird, Thora` as `Hired Thorn`. Or `Hind Thorax`.

Remember kiddies, Satan wears disguises too...

Voted for by Andrew Trowbridge

Phwoaar! Necrophilliac fisting anyone?

Barbara Fucking Cartland

Overly made-up overly sentimental overly respected so-called 'novelist' whose fetid words tell of the fairy-tale kingdom in which she spends her waking fantasies.
That bit's not so bad, but it's her continual pronouncements on how the rest of us 'less-privileged' classes should behave when she's spent nearly her entire life the eternal virgin (hah!) on pink sheets guarded by countless infernal lap-dogs with nary abreath of the real world that really rankle.

And come on, wouldn't it be just so satisfying to hammer through that hardened shell of cosmetics to break her fragile skull?

Voted for by Leighton Pritchard

Queen Elizabeth II aka 'Cunt Face'

What is this German not English German Nazi slackflaps doing even in our country, nevermind on the fucking throne.
We don't need a queen, and the royal family should all take part in a re-enactment of the St.Valentines day massacre.
That'll shut that babbling big eared wanker Charles up, all the lot of you just fuck off and die you GERMAN WANKERS!!!!!

Voted for by Colin Thomson



	Prince Phillip
For all those comments about Hungarians, Chinese people, deaf children and his treatment of his sons' partners. For any other offence he may have caused people who aren't of Aryan or Nazi descendent. For any other offence he may have caused people who ARE of Aryan or Nazi descendent. Fuck off you senile old codger. There's no place for your fucking Gestapo views, you stupid old coot.
Voted for by Emma