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Ainsley Harriot |
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The man is a pantomime chef and arch Uncle Tom. Can there be any doubt that Harriott has sipped from the horned one's appendage and likes the taste? He is to catering
what MC Hammer was to "religirap". I'm not generally a violent person, but this capering, idiotic,impish crown prince of twattery should just STOP.... Imagine yourself locked in an airtight,soundproofed kitchen with the hateful Harriott and his chum Gary "implausibly barneted" Rhodes, this would indeed be HELL! |
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| Have
you ever seen the twat in action? One more quip about "roasting my nuts" and I'll fucking scream. In fact, couldn't we somehow do away with every fucking celebrity chef in the world at once? Food is food. Get a recipe book, not a fucking personality. I am sick and tired of the fact that every time I try to punctuate my otherwise calm lifestyle with a bit of the beloved television, I get smiling AH or one of his cronies - like that horrendously camp twaaaat on ready steady cook (you know EXACTLY who I mean - turning me into a slavering, homicidal maniac. Fuck off and kill yourselves why don't you; and take your stinking "we'd do anything for food" adverts with you. "I'd do anything to run a filthy, rusty length of iron through the anus of every celebrity chef in Britain, then turn their screaming, Paul-Smith-suited corpses over a low heat for eternity." |
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| Mode
of death:- 1)Eaten to death, by specially bred man eating pigs 2)Hannibal Lecter, turns up as a guest chef on Ready,Steady Cook, and does his "Special Liver Dish!", with Ainsley & Fern Britton! 3)Anyone for Sushi! Esp.Fugu sushi! (Main Cause of death in Japanese Fish Restraunts, due to a Extremely powerful chemical found in puffer fish, Tetrodoxin. Used as local anathestic, in extremely small doses, due to it's potentcy(10,000* potentcy of Cocaine!!) 4)Christopher Walken debuts on Ready Steady Cook,& Ainsley has a fatal "Accident" involving a rack of Sabatier Cooking Knives, & a spillage! |
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| If
you watch Ready Steady Cook on BBC2 you may find Ainsley likes
to burn himself. Therefore I thought he would like this chance to burn himself properly. |
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Basicaly he's a pratt. All that 'geezah' and 'tweakle', alright he's from Essex, but the worst type of Essex boys are the rich ones. Then he comes on our telly. All Notting Hill twat like and trys to make out that cookings wicked and cool and that he's all salt of the earth. But he's not... Perfect example:- In an advert for his show, he goes on about how his bird is going clubbing with her mates and he's gonna rustle up some pukkah scran for when they get back... Well if I was his bird and I'd been out clubbing all night, I know for a fact that I wouldn't have an appetite, if you know what I mean. Picture the scene... JAMIE'S BIRD: WE'RE HOME... JAMIE: ALRIGHT TWEAKLE. I'VE COOKED YOU SOME FOOD JAMIE'S BIRD: OH...UM...ARE THERE ANY PILLS IN IT? JAMIE: UM...NO. JAMIES BIRD: OH WELL. WE'RE NOT REALLY THAT HUNGRY THANKS And how has he managed to suck so many people in, loads of my mates think he's brilliant. Bunch of pseudo cockney arse. |
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The Reason? Take a look at him or watch one of his shows. That'll give you all the information you need. |
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Jamie Oliver is the
disciple of satan - how else could you explain his ever-increasing
celebrity status? Each time I turn
on the television, I mutter a small prayer that he will not
live up to his name and indeed, appear naked. |
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| Bloody
hell! Not only is he a pretend cockney, how can he speak without using his tongue? Have you tried it? You'll sound like Joey Deacon. |
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| Yeah
baby, let me at him...in his latest ad he pulls THE most c*nty
face, it's about as high on the punchability scale as a man could
ever get...."ooh, I got one in me 'elmet"....all I ask
God, is 5 minutes in the dark with no witnesses and something
blunt and really heavy. "None of that lower fat malarky!"......oh jeez, it ties my stomach up in knots and I can't stop making a fist, it's like Pavlov's dog, only in my case all it takes is the word "pukka" and I'm in a darker place. Hell, I don't wish anyone an early demise, life is a sweet gift,something we should treasure....BURY HIM |
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| Frankly
that man was bad enough before but those fucking adverts over
the past few years have catapulted him to unutterable cuntdom.
Those herbs, that fucking buffalo mozarella; they want shoving down his fucking throat. |
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| Jamie
Oliver's motor scooter should have scythes fitted to it Boudiccea
style and then an enraged Mandrill should be taught to ride it
aggresively round Jamie n'Jools's flat, mercilessly lacerating
the gurning Guy Ritchie off-cut and his Sindy Doll wife who must
be driven mental by her inability to have any kind of ordinary
converstaion with her husband. Jamie's greatest crime is not his advertising, his pathetic verbiage, the way he uses his family to line his pockets or his faked mates. It's the fact that he rides home from Sainsburys with an olive in his helmet, not only a hazard to himself, but to other roadusers as well. Lets see his monkey face hoisted on a pole over London Television Centre alongside Smilie and Harry Enfield's dad. |
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| The
word twat was invented for this twat. Go on,think of a word to describe him, and tell me twat wasn't the first one that came to mind. He isn't even a fucking chef.I don't mind your Worral-Thomson's or your Nairn's telling me how to make a warm tuna and sun-dried tomato salad. At least they have the credentials to enable them to tell me how to make my dinner,but where's twat's Michelin ratings? And I won't even mention his mockney/matey/jules is lurvely pish. Naked chef?I'd like to see him skinned alive and be truly naked. The twat. Boycott Sainsbury's NOW. |
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| Where
do I begin?
Has anyone seen the
advert where Jamie's mate accidentally knocks a potful of herbs
off the window ledge and sends it crashing through his van's
sunroof? A nation cheers. Of course this would
be far too quick and painless a demise for Jamie: tie him up,
cover the fucker in Sainsbury's honey and let a colony of particularly
large and aggressive ants loose on him. |
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| I
hate this cunt. I hate the way he is always self-conciously putting
on a FAKE cockney accent to try and sound like he's working-class
when in reality he's a lisping toff. I hate the way he always has to be on telly. I hate his pathetic attempts to look 'cool' and original. For fuck's sake, his wife's a minger (and pretty brain-dead. Well she used to be a model so that makes sense!) his 'mates' on the adverts are paid actors (no surprise there- who'd want to be mates with that cunt!) Every time I see him I just want to punch him. |
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| Cocky,
pukka, cockney, wanking, stroker - need I say more !!!! Preferred method of dispatch to include beating with meat tenderisor, skinned and basted in his own fuckin herbs that he grows on his window sill, blended in a magimix and the remaining residues to be poured into his VW microbus as fuel. PUKKA ! |
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| Fuck!
what can I say - whenever I see that smiley fat-tongued twat going
on about total brainless shite on the box I loose more and more
skin of my knuckles from punching the walls.
'PUKKA TUKKA' - you cunt! The way he prances round the kitchen shaking things with his fat-fuck tongue hanging out of that retarded face - dancing like a fucking clown - AAARRRRGGGGHHH!!! - someone please, please, please Sniper the cunt I dread the day I might actually bump into this guy on the street - I would be quite prepared to go down for a long stretch for cutting the fucker up with a rusty spoon and salting his blooded stumps and I'm not a violent man! |
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| Fuckface
cunt. Cooking's cool, my arse. It's fucking souped up daytime television. Like anybody ever makes any of those fucking recipes. More people made the fucking stuff on Blue Peter. This guy has also ruined some of my favourite songs. Tapping my feet along to some nice old indie tunes in a friends car, I asked what the CD was. Jamie Oliver's "Music to be a cunt to" or something similar. |
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| I
could simply use two words: Mockney and Twat.
But why use two when two-hundred will do?! You have only to look at the pure hatred on the faces of gimps in his painful Sainsburys ads to understand the level of pure wankerness of this utter tool. Cringe? - I nearly threw the telly out of the fucking window on completion of the programe where he makes a steak sandwich for some manual labourers. "Allwoight laaads, I'm sawtin' you a pucka steak saaaandwich, yawl luv it!" - Cunt. It was only the dollar signs in their eyes that stopped them bludgeoning the penis over his mockney bonce with a succession of manual labourer type devices, shagging that bint of of a bird of his and nicking his Bang & Olufson. Talking of his idiot wife, they are as bad as each other. What are the odds of two twats of that unbelievable level of wankyness finding and actually marrying each other? No, hold it, it's blindingly simple! - there are clearly 'I'm an utter mockney cunt and media whore fuckface' parties that one can attend in one's jeans, velour jacket, wing coloured frilly shirt and Mock Croc loafers. Piss off to fucking nan's and stay there before you get killed you dickhead! If I ever see you on your fucking vespa - you're dog meat pal... I round off with a simple word shouted loud in a mock posh voice..... WANGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!! Prosecution rests... |
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| He is a cunt. | |
| He is a first class mockney cunt, who can't cook for toffee. His wife and Tiger are rancid too. | |
| NO
fucker on telly pisses me off more than this prick. What\'s the story with his tongue anyway? Looks like an overfed fucking maggot crawling around in his gob making "pukka" farting noises. I dont know about you but I wouldnt wanna eat the cunt's food cos he probably slavers in it. If anyone needs a
sack of freshly baked taters up the arse its this cunt. |
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| I
hated the Mockney bastard when he was doing 'Naked Chef' on the
BBC. I knew he was a false, moronic little cunt then, and his new programme 'Jamie's Kitchen' proves it. Did you hear the way he spoke to Jules when she told him he was getting fish fingers and chips for tea (notably about 2 days before she was due to drop the sprog?) - He should count himself lucky because if he was my husband the only thing he'd recieve for tea is a nice juicy knuckle sandwich. To make his fat lips even fatter. I could go on all day but I'll leave it there. |
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| You
dare to like this human filth, this whore of Sainsbury's, this
tool of... this tool.
Well you can't -
he is currently in pieces under my vegetable garden, making
some "pukka" marrows, like a steaming pile of mockney
manure. He is so false he is held in place by poly-grip for
his rank and depraved messages to the feckless and feeble-minded
that pass for cookery programmes. He sates his own
perverse hunger by <weirdness snip Spleen! Ed.>,
or <weirdness snip Spleen! Ed.> ladies of
the night. He fills his rancid dwellings with <weirdness
snip Spleen! Ed.>. "Tweakle" he said, as I severed his remaining limbs. Loathing the man is an act of human charity. |
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| Jamie
Oliver. Cunt. 'Nuff said, I think. Now get off of our fucking
screens, you mong-faced mockney shit.
However, I think it's quite interesting to note the way in which the fat-tongued one galvanizes the populace into one big ball of seething hatred. If Blair ever declares war on Iraq, he won't need to send the army in; he can just send Jamie Oliver there and give a gun and an Iraq-bound plane ticket to everyone who's ever seen one of the fucking adverts the cunt insists on bombarding us with. The country'll be in ruins. For God's sake, somebody castrate him and stop him and his wife populating the country with more lisping cunt-spawn. I mean, for chrissakes
people, the man likes Toploader. |
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| Hi,
I'm a reader from the US and all I can say is this Jamie Oliver
clown is one sick son of a bitch. My mom gave me one of his damn cookbooks and goddamnit, all the stuff ended up tasting like ass juice! His face and faggy flamboyancy make my rectum seize up. Someone should fuck him in the ass. |
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| "Look
at me. I'm younger and hipper than Delia Smith, I have lots of
money, a famous father, and my husband's dying, which means the
public love me." I don't. She's a smug, creepy slut with grey teeth. She has the public's unending sympathy because her husband is dying. (SpleeN! update - he's dead!) She has the public's unending admiration because she is filmed making lunch for her children. She has it all, and I feel I am right to be bitter. The only comfort we can find is that her name is Nigella. |
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| I
saw her show... it's pornographic and unsanitary. She licks her
fingers before moving on to the next dish. That's not sexy; that's
disgusting! And ANY domestic goddess would CLEAN UP, while things
are cooking! They don't just sit on their fat lazy ass gapping
away about nothing.
I saw her cookbooks. Her recipes are plain and unadventurous. I cook. I cook damn well. I cook AND I work full time. I don't buy recipes off my friends (read the latest news: she buys recipes off her friends!); I make up my own. My sister doesn't cook, and she read the book. She didn't buy it. Too plain. Sorry, but everyone knows coke goes with ham! What the idiot doesn't know is that Dr. Pepper is better, because it's sweeter! Dumbass. Domestic Goddess? That's funny! Anyone who proclaims themselves THE Domestic Goddess and makes money off of it is a sorry excuse for a woman. Does she do anything else other than cook? No? Then how is THAT a domestic goddess, hmmm? She's supposedly engaged to another man, yet still wears her wedding ring. Your husband is dead, slut. Don't go around pimping his death, if you're dating again. Someone tell her to go away. |
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| Thinks
he's the housewives favourite but is a mincing old Queen. I most despise his blatant championing of the Tory party which just shows what an out of touch, reactionary, greedy, selfish old bastard he is. |
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| Simplicity
itself. A lovely Big Brother/'Reality tv'/Fly-on-wall style effect type show, with ALL the tv chefs locked into a very small crappy two-bedroom Tyneside Flat with no central heating and food and no cooking equipment or source of Fire - and no phone either so no fucking pizza deliveries for THIS lot! Premise: They either starve, or start eating each other. Who eats who? And in what order? Viewers get to vote, and so forth. Incidentally, Channel Five are 'extremely interested' so hands off! |
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| Sick
of all these fucking cookery shit progs - Oliver has to be the
clown prince of the genre despite Harriets best - I used to be
a comedian - efforts. Fucking sick of turning on the telly and seeing all these cunts pissing about with their fucking kitchens and ingredients I've never heard of or want to know of. Cant Cook - so fuck off! If you want something
to eat - open a fucking tin, get your fat, foody satiated arse
up to the chippy or phone for a fucking pizza. Fuck em all, my mate's
a chef and he's not all over my primetime Tv telling me about
fucking rocket and shit. Eat this! |
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| A
simple recipe for celebrity chef suprise
1. take one celebrity
chef. Trim your dish with
a little taunting between flicks of potassium. And the suprise, that's when your chef releases your not that gill breather Dom Jolly doing some unamusing celebrity jape, and that it is real oh, yes very, very real. |
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